Get My Sparkle Back

I’m currently at a point in my life where I’d rather walk across a rotting plank covered in cockroaches above a pool full of crocodiles than go on a date. This current state of mind towards dating is due to various reasons. For one, I’m exhausted as I’ve dated more people this year than in the previous 21 years of my existence (speed dating). In fact, this is the first moment in 2023 where I am not even talking to or getting to know a man (and what a peaceful moment this is). I’m in my bed by 9 pm after drinking herbal tea and reading another chapter of a book series which is the very reason, I have such high expectations of real-life men era (like, what do you mean I may never get my enemies to lovers’ plotline?!). While I am beyond content with my current dating-free lifestyle, I learnt a lot from dating this year, and I’d like to share some of it.

How Dating Has Changed Over the Years:

Let’s start by stating the obvious; we live in a very confusing, frustrating, exhausting, stupid, pointless, ridiculous (sorry, I lost myself there for a second) dating period. There used to be a very set structure for dating; the man asks the woman out, they date for a while, he proposes, they get married and stay together through thick and thin. The same can be said for the traditional plan for life; graduate high school, get a 9-5 job, get married, have kids, and die dramatically in each other’s arms 50-60 years later (oh my gosh, how did ‘The Notebook’ start playing on my tv again). It was all very straightforward, and while less confusing, it was an inherently sexist approach and came from a period when women had little to no rights. We’ve come a long way since then; a lot has changed, including the set roles men and women were expected to take on in all aspects of life, including dating. As a society, we are discovering there are so many pathways to happiness, fulfilment, and success. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with the more traditional approach to dating and life, if both parties are consensual, it’s finally becoming more acceptable for people to choose different pathways. Some people don’t want ever to get married, or they want to get married later in life. Some don’t want children yet or ever. Some don’t mind if they never settle down and buy a house. Some aren’t quite sure yet. In my opinion, all this change is incredible because people get to choose a life that is right for them and beyond what is simply expected of them. However, it has made the dating scene a nightmare because no one knows what the hell they are doing.

My Generations Fear of Labels:

Everyone is looking for various attachment levels, many wanting a more casual approach when it comes to being romantically involved with someone. These new dynamics have added extra steps in the dating process as well, such as the dreaded ‘talking stage’ (yes, I would love to get to know you via text for a few months with no guarantee we will ever even make it to the dating stage…Woo. Hoo). Getting into a relationship has much more pressure in modern dating, with many avoiding the official labels of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ for at least the first few months. Communication about what you are looking for has become more essential than ever; you can’t assume the person you are dating or ‘talking to’ necessarily wants a relationship anymore. However, the majority aren’t taught how to effectively communicate about what they want or need or taught how to listen when another is expressing what they want or need (ghosting has entered the chat). A relationship has become this terrifying thing in my generation, as though making things official is the equivalent of saying “I do” in front of all your close friends and family. Worry not, for I have a solution; buy cats instead (because if I have to endure another 1-3 month ‘situationship’ where I put all my time and energy into one emotionally unavailable dude who suddenly discovers he’s “just not ready for commitment right now,” I might have to scream into a pillow for a few days; Alexa play August by Taylor Swift).

Here’s what I’ve learnt from my only mostly traumatising dating experiences this year:

1. Pacing Yourself: If you are like me, a hopeless romantic who tends to get attached early on, you have to learn to pace yourself. This is much easier said than done because finding someone new with potential is such an addictive feeling which is far too easier to lose yourself in. There must also be a balance to it all because vulnerability is an essential part of dating; at some point, you must take that leap of faith. One way to pace yourself, which is very on-brand with modern dating, is to date multiple people at once, to begin with. Doing so makes it much easier not to get so invested early on with one person. You have options, and getting to know multiple people simultaneously means you aren’t putting all your energy/time into one. Obviously, this method is not for everyone, which is entirely understandable, it can be very exhausting, and some simply prefer to date one person at a time. When I told my psychologist that I found when dating I was either all in or all out very early on, she suggested that I practiced dating in the ‘middle ground’, which essentially means learning to be patient and take your time getting to know someone and not making a snap judgement about them early on. When dating someone new, I force myself to pace myself; I do not know this person, their intentions or what they are capable of well enough to throw myself into the deep end just yet (according to psychologists, someone can hide their true colours for up to 6 months). I recommend taking it one date at a time, limiting how often you see them at first to once a week, looking out for early red flags (they are often the reasons you leave 6-12 months later), figuring out your deal breakers, seeking advice from those closest to you because they don’t have rose coloured glasses on (if you are leaving parts of the story out it’s because you know the people who love you would disapprove! You deserve better) and focusing more on if you actually like them rather than if they like you. In the early stages, it’s essential to set boundaries; when they ask to hang out, and you already have plans, do not cancel for them. They have not invested enough time for you to be that available yet. Make sure you still make time for your relationships with friends/family; those are the people who will be there for you if everything goes south.

2. Setting Boundaries: As I mentioned above, setting boundaries is essential in dating, and I’d like to go into more detail about that. As dating coach Matthew Hussey said, no one cares about your time as much as you do “because people do what’s comfortable for them, not what’s right for you”. People will happily waste your time if you let them, and setting clear boundaries is a great way to avoid this. For one, make sure you still make time for your other relationships and priorities while getting to know/dating someone. You have goals and responsibilities; you do not have time to see them 3-4 times a week, especially in the early stages, unless you are sacrificing something else. Boundaries apply to more than just your time; they include what you will and won’t tolerate from the people in your life. You have to figure out your boundaries; it could be as simple as wanting to take it slow with the person you are seeing. They can be incredibly uncomfortable to enforce (especially for my fellow people pleasers), but someone worthy of your time will respect and honour them. This is a great way to weed out people who aren’t wanting to be a part of your life for the right reasons. To avoid you becoming the next Jonah Hill, I will provide a definition. As perfectly explained by LMFT and life coach Lindley Gentile, “A boundary is about what YOU are going to do. What YOU are willing and not willing to experience”. Using the above example, if you want to take it slow with the person you are dating (whatever that looks like for you), you explain that to them and if they disrespect that boundary by trying to take it faster than you are ready, you walk away. Jonah, if you are reading this, take note.

3. Knowing When to Take a Break: The final thing I’ve learnt is knowing when to take a break from dating is essential. Dating can be a fun experience, especially If you can learn to take the pressure off. However, it can also be exhausting, particularly in our confusing contemporary version of dating. There are multiple reasons why you should take a break and signs for when you should. I realised I should take a break when I became highly unfazed by who I was dating; I just didn’t care or have any interest in getting to know them. I’d count down the minutes until the date was over and didn’t care if they texted me after to meet up again or not. I was very emotionally checked out, mainly because I got hurt badly by one (loser), and instead of taking the time to heal, I just kept going on dates almost as a refusal to admit he had affected me (I’d go out with some guy and then cry to Taylor Swift’s ‘White Horse’ and Olivia Rodrigo’s ‘Vampire’ on the way home). I also noticed that I’d become dependent on the validation from the men in my life, and that seemed to be the main reason I kept dating. I craved the attention because I’d become so used to getting it from one guy or another. I finally decided to take a break a few weeks ago, and it’s been hard, honestly, but I know it was the right decision. I don’t want to depend on male validation to feel good about myself, and when I go on dates, I want to be excited about the idea of getting to know someone new. It’s not fair on yourself or the person you are seeing to keep dating when you know you need time for yourself.

Why I Will Never Settle:

Dating is hard today mainly because we can’t really look to other generations for advice as it’s so different from how it used to be. I’m honestly proud of how much I’ve grown and learnt from dating this year, I’ve figured out so much about what I do and don’t want. The main thing I’ve discovered is that while I love the idea of being in a relationship, I’m much more of a single person. I love being single; I love the freedom and how peaceful it is. I genuinely believe we place way too much importance on romantic relationships like you won’t be fulfilled until you have found your ‘other half’. If I am ever going to get into a relationship, I expect a lot because I, in turn, will give a lot. I would prefer to only have to focus on myself and my goals rather than settle in a relationship because I’m scared to be alone. Maybe I’ll find someone, perhaps I won’t, and I think I’ve finally accepted that despite the judgement, I have a fulfilling life without a romantic relationship, and that’s ok. If you are at a point where you want to date, I hope this has helped in some way (and good luck, you’ll need it!). Also, if you’re dating straight men, ask their opinion or make them watch the Barbie movie; it’s the ultimate way to weed out the idiots.