Get My Sparkle Back

After my post about dating last week, I felt it would be fitting to discuss all things being single (the highs, lows and what I’ve learned). So that’s precisely what I’m going to do (Disclaimer: everything below is what I’ve learnt from my experiences. If you decide you are about that single gal life, none of this will hold up in the court of law if your stupid ex boyfriend, who could never put the toliet seat back down, decides to sue me). Due to my generation’s new dating terms like ‘talking’ and ‘situationship,’ I have never officially gotten into your traditional committed relationship where I was someone’s ‘girlfriend’. So technically, other than the few times I was briefly ‘exclusive’ with some dude who had big plans to tell me, “He just wasn’t ready for commitment right now” a few months in (0 points for originality boys), I’ve been single my whole life. You could say I’m an expert on the subject (I graduated with honours a while ago).

The Subconscious Belief That Romantic Love is the Key to Happiness:

I grew up watching Disney princess movies and romcoms like most kids, subconsciously taking in the message that every princess needs a prince, that every seemingly ‘strong independent’ woman realises by the end that all she needed was the right guy to be truly fulfilled. Not just movies portray this message; it’s inherently ingrained in every aspect of our society. We are constantly told from the beginning that we won’t be completely whole until our ‘other half’ finally walks into our lives and we realise what we’ve been missing all this time. Like most young girls, I grew up dreaming of the day I would meet my prince charming, get married and have little kids running around our house one day. As actress Tracee Ellis Ross put it, many women grow up dreaming of their wedding and not their life, waiting to be chosen by a man. While there is nothing wrong with this dream, if it’s the life you truly want, it is incredibly limiting and creates a society where those who don’t fit that mould are isolated and judged. Every Christmas, every family member asks if I have a boyfriend yet. It’s normalised that people ditch their friends because romantic relationships are prioritised over friendships; once you’ve found that ‘special someone,’ they are the only person you should focus on. When someone asks if you’re in a relationship and you say no, they use phrases like “Don’t worry, he will come when you least expect it,” as if they pity poor little you who hasn’t found a man to love you yet. It’s infuriating. There’s this pressure I’ve always felt to find someone and ‘settle’ so that I can say I have a ‘boyfriend’ and people will leave me alone. While I love the idea of finding someone to learn and grow with, someone to fall in love with. I have standards that are so often referred to as ‘too high’ because I refuse to get into a relationship where I have to compromise a part of myself or overwork myself for a man who expects me to be his new mother (if we are both working, we share the household responsibilities too. Step up and grow up or find someone else).

Healthy Relationships Are Rare:

Finding a healthy relationship is rare; finding someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated isn’t easy. It requires patience, and if you want someone who has done the work to be the best version of themselves, then you need to take the time to focus on becoming the best version of yourself. In my honest opinion, in 95% of relationships, one or both people are settling, ignoring mistreatments and red flags simply because they don’t want to be alone. I want to clarify that there is no judgment; I totally understand the pull to stay with someone, even when you know deep down that you deserve better. Sometimes, it’s because you simply don’t want to be alone. Sometimes, you are holding onto the few good memories to justify the bad. Sometimes, you hold on because you see the potential of who someone could be. Sometimes, you believe you don’t deserve better. Sometimes, you just don’t want to be single because of the judgement I was talking about above. But if you are reading this, and you get that funny feeling, the one you’ll probably ignore because it’s the far easier choice. I hope one day soon, you have the courage to walk away, to choose yourself.

The Challenging but Necessary Journey of Self-love:

Being single is hard at first, especially if you have always been romantically involved with someone in one way or another. It’s incredibly uncomfortable because suddenly, you don’t have someone else to be your main source of happiness. Suddenly, that responsibility is on you, and any issues you have with yourself, the ones you could easily pretend didn’t exist when you got the validation from that person each day that you were enough, come rushing to the surface. This is a painful, terrifying process. This is hard, especially as women, because we are raised in a society that expects you to have the perfect body type, look flawless all the time, and maintain a small, sweet personality so you don’t threaten a man’s masculinity. As Caylee Cresta put it, when discussing the contradictory and impossible societal expectations of women, we are expected to “practice self-love but don’t love yourself too much” (I highly recommend checking her out on Instagram or TikTok, she is incredible). Men also have this pressure to be the ‘breadwinner’ of the house, and they are taught that expressing emotions is weak, so they suppress everything and aren’t expected to communicate effectively. They are taught they are less of a man if they don’t assert dominance over the women they are dating. Both sides create an unequal and toxic dynamic, leaving both feeling like they are never enough. Unlearning this mentality created by the patriarchy requires work from both sides and understanding that, in the end, no one wins by being limited to such restricting gender roles. Learning to love yourself and have confidence despite the probability of being referred to as ‘stuck up’ or ‘self-centered’ is time-consuming and never easy. Many get into another relationship rather than facing this challenge; you don’t know how even to begin being happy, comfortable, and fulfilled in your own company, so you get someone else to do it. Again, I understand getting into the relationship, even If you are ‘settling,’ is the far easier choice. However, I can promise that it gets easier and opens so many doors for you.

Negative Aspects of Being Single:

Like everything, there are negative parts of being single. The one that everyone fears the most is the loneliness. I won’t lie; there are moments when I wish I had someone there beside me to wrap their arms around me while I fall asleep. When you are newly single, it feels like the loneliness is constant because you have gotten used to having someone there in the morning. It’s like a drug; the withdrawals will initially be intense and overwhelming; it’s painful! The issue is that people assume that loneliness will always be that consuming and constant. So, they quickly fill that void by getting involved with someone else. I promise if you push your way through the difficult part, it won’t always be that hard. I’m at a point where I experience that lonely feeling about 5% of the time, and I’ve learned to let myself simply feel that because it’s part of it. 95% of the time, I don’t crave someone else there. You are not alone just because you aren’t romantically involved. Develop a great relationship with yourself and create a great circle of friends and family (explore the other forms of love that are so often overlooked). The other main negative aspect is the judgement I talked about above, which also sucks, but if you let the opinions of others control how you choose to live your life, you will never be living it for you.

Positive Aspects of Being Single:

While you are single, make the most of it because if you plan to find a person to spend the rest of your life with, then this may be the only time in your life that you have entirely to yourself. You don’t have to answer to anyone and are free to do whatever the hell you want! So, take this opportunity to take yourself on dates and treat yourself how you would want a romantic partner to treat you. Get used to and comfortable being alone in public; it will change your life. We feel we can’t do so many things without someone else’s company because there’s this judgment that you must have 16 cats back home if you simply go to breakfast alone. People will judge you no matter what; there is always something we aren’t doing right, so fuck it. Go to breakfast by yourself. Take yourself on a picnic. Go to the movies. Go shopping. Get dressed up and take yourself to dinner. Buy yourself flowers. I promise you; it gets easier, and suddenly, you can do whatever you want whenever you are free to do it. You’re not depending on anyone to do something; that is the most liberating feeling ever.

The Importance of Being Comfortable in Your Own Company:

I genuinely believe everyone should take the time to be totally comfortable with their own company, so if someone does come along, they aren’t completing your life but rather complimenting it. You don’t choose them out of desperation because you know you’re ok by yourself; you can take your time and make them work for it! If they want to be a part of your life, they must prove they will add to it, and it’s so much easier to walk away if they aren’t for you. More and more people are choosing to remain single, realising life is much more than finding someone to love you. There are so many forms of love, so many forms of fulfilment. Love is incredible, and if you find someone who isn’t your ‘other half’ because you are never half a person but someone who wants to grow, learn, and do life by your side as an equal, then I’m so happy for you. If you choose that romantic love isn’t for you, now or ever, then I’m so happy for you too. Either way, make sure you never compromise any part of yourself because that is no way to live your life.