Get My Sparkle Back

I saw this TikTok the other day, and it was one of those moments where you read something and suddenly have an entirely different outlook on how you view that topic. Which I think is one of the beautiful aspects of the internet; you not only have this opportunity to learn about other’s perspectives but also get the chance to surround yourself with positivity and kindness (and submarine jokes which, when you laugh at you momentarily question if you’re actually a decent human being). Anyways the quote was by the author Rupi Kaur: “I will never have this version of me again. Let me slow down and be with her”. This resonated with me so profoundly that I had to sit (like actually find a seat to sit in as though it was a movie moment where the main character discovers something pivotal) and really feel how lucky I am to be this version of myself. This feels especially true for people in their teens, twenties and even thirties because life feels like it moves at such a rapid rate as you figure out who you are, who you want to be and what’s important to you. Every year I think back to me 365 days ago, and I don’t even recognise her anymore. I’m going to appreciate this version of me for as long as she is here to stay (I feel an Adele song should be playing in the background while I say that as I dramatically look longingly into the distance).

Appreciating The Current Version of Me:

By appreciating where and who you currently are, it can help you have a deeper empathy for this journey that you’re on. Like, to be completely honest, I’m a mess. I have no idea where I’m heading, and I’m very aware of how much I have to learn. I’m currently living paycheck to paycheck, and I dropped out of university because I realised that wasn’t for me, but I also don’t fully know what future is ‘for me’. My dating life is a trainwreck (an entertaining trainwreck but one nonetheless), and I work in a retail job that I hate (but she pays for the shopping addiction and weekly takeaway coffees). Now I could look at all this and feel totally stressed out (I do, in fact, have a mental breakdown once a week, four times a week if it’s that time of the month). Instead, however, I could focus on how many amazing things that come with the package deal that is this version of me. I have an incredibly supportive family that I get to live with while figuring out how to somehow save enough to pay overpriced rent in this economy one day. I have an emotional support cat who sleeps by my side until she wakes me up at 3 am because Her Highness is ready to move to a different area of the house. I get to go on dates that I now only find mildly stressful due to how many I’ve been on this year, and then I get to rant to my group of 4 friends over brunch about how much this one also sucks a few weeks later! And I’m in therapy, slowly healing, learning how to be a better version of myself, and slowly learning how not to hyperventilate every time I say no to someone (ahhh, people pleasing). I’m in this time in my life where I can go in whatever direction I want, which is very confusing, stressful, exciting, and kind of makes me nauseous.

Appreciating The Past Versions of Me:

I think it can also be important to appreciate the many past versions of yourself, who, even though maybe they were in pain or confused or lost themselves, all led you to and taught you the lessons you needed to get the opportunity to be who you currently are. Rather than beating yourself up for who you used to be, choose to have empathy and appreciate them because, without them, you wouldn’t be one step closer to being the best person you can become. The version of me, at the end of 2020 was struggling mentally as she tried to graduate high school during a global pandemic. So, when a boy showed her attention, she placed her whole self-worth and happiness on whether he texted her or wanted to be her boyfriend. It’s a tale as old as time, but when he left, it was incredibly painful; it was like my whole world crumbled because all those problems I was ignoring came rushing to the surface. It caused me to begin this journey of self-love/care, and for a long time looking back, I thought that version of me was such an idiot for thinking a boy’s love could ever make me feel completely fulfilled. However, I now can see that without her, without those vital life lessons, I may not have been forced to start healing the way I viewed myself due to the pain he caused. I also feel I was way too harsh on myself, considering we are basically taught since birth that romantic love is the only way we can ever be entirely happy, and without it, we are going to end up as an old, bitter lady with ten cats (which is sounding like the better option with every birthday), but that’s a whole other topic entirely.

I guess to conclude; I hope you can learn to sit with who you currently are and appreciate them for as long as they stay. I also hope you can empathise with all the versions that came before, knowing that they were doing the best they could at the time. At the end of the day, we are all stumbling around the dark, figuring out this highly overrated adulthood thing (If anyone figures out how to get a refund on this whole experience, email me because $7 for a coffee? $3.80 for an avocado? We’ve been ripped off). Richard Jenkins once said, “Nobody feels like an adult. It’s the world’s dirtiest secret”.